


Little Red Riding Simon and the Big Bad Jayne

by Lyrstzha



Category: Firefly
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Comment Fic, Flash Fic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-23
Updated: 2006-02-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 15:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyrstzha/pseuds/Lyrstzha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my tongue-in-cheek Firefly version of the classic fairytale, featuring special guest appearances by some very tight pants and a floral bonnet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Red Riding Simon and the Big Bad Jayne

**Author's Note:**

> DVD commentary version available at my LJ.

Once upon a time, in a land which was as inconveniently located from the Core as possible to avoid those damn Feds, there lived a man named Book. He lived in a cozy little township called Serenity, where he was loved by all and sundry for his good cooking and for his mostly inspiring stories about lepers.

Anyhow, one day Book sent for Little Red Riding Simon, a close neighbor of his who was known about town almost as much for his fellow-feeling as his shiny shirts. Book had gotten to worrying about young Kaylee, who lived off in a little hut deep in the forest (which is where she had to move so that she'd have room for all her inventions and things), and didn't have a nice garden with rosemary and strawberries and such like Book's. So, kind old Book gave Little Red Riding Simon a basket of fresh fruit and cookies to take to her. Old Book warned Little Red Riding Simon to stay on the path, because there were scary Reavers in the woods who might eat up sweet little boys. And not in the good way.

So, Little Red Riding Simon went skipping down the path with his basket and his jaunty red hood. Pretty soon he was sure that someone was following him, because he could hear snickering and occasional spitting. Just when he was getting all in a panic, the Big Bad Jayne popped out from behind a tree to leer at poor Little Red Riding Simon---and also to lean against the tree trunk at an angle which best showed off his crotch in the very tight pants he was wearing.

Little Red Riding Simon wasn't quite as slow as he looked, and he peered at the stranger warily, but Big Bad Jayne didn't look like a Reaver, so he stopped to talk for a spell. Though he didn't mean to be careless, Little Red Riding Simon found himself a little mesmerized by Big Bad Jayne's tight pants, and he accidentally let slip where he was headed. Big Bad Jayne grinned like a cat that had gotten in the cream and took his leave in a hurry.

When Little Red Riding Simon arrived at Kaylee's hut, he found her wrapped up in blankets in bed, and wearing a big floral bonnet that shadowed her face. Little Red Riding Simon, who still wasn't as slow as he looked, felt just a mite suspicious.

"Why Kaylee, what big eyes you have!" he said.

"The better to ogle you with, my dear," the figure in the bed replied. But that wasn't suspicious, because Kaylee kind of did ogle Little Red Riding Simon anyway, so he tried again.

"Why Kaylee, what big ears you have!"

"You callin' my ears _freakish_, boy? I mean, um, the better to listen to you prattle on with."

Little Red Riding Simon thought that was pretty suspicious, but he figured he'd better get more evidence to be certain. "Why Kaylee, what big teeth you have!"

The figure in the bed grinned really widely, until it looked like a big, floral bonnet perched on top of teeth. "The better to eat you with, my dear. But in the good kinda way." And the figure leaped up and pulled off the floral bonnet, and it was Big Bad Jayne!

He grabbed the struggling Little Red Riding Simon and crowed, "And you think my teeth are big, you ain't even seen my manparts yet!" And the blankets fell aside, and _well_. They didn't call him Big Bad Jayne for nothing. Little Red Riding Simon immediately stopped struggling and fell dramatically onto the conveniently placed bed with a breathy gasp.

Of course, all of the yelling and hollering they got up to didn't bother Kaylee, who was out tinkering in the shed, but it did bring Mal the Woodcutter charging in to save the day. He heroically leaped through the door and pulled Big Bad Jayne off of Little Red Riding Simon, even though Little Red Riding Simon didn't really look all that pleased to be saved, and did, in fact, try to bite his rescuer.

"Damn you," Little Red Riding Simon whined. "It was going _well_." He kicked Mal the Woodcutter in the shin to punctuate his point.

"But!" And that's all Mal the Woodcutter managed to get out before Big Bad Jayne and Little Red Riding Simon bundled him back through the door.

As they pushed Mal out, Jayne yelled, "We'll be in our bunk, gorram it!" And he slammed the door hard enough to rattle the hinges loose.

"Huh," Mal the Woodcutter huffed. He trudged off into the woods, somewhat comforted by the thought that at least he'd managed to slip the floral bonnet into his pocket.


End file.
